


For You I Would Ruin Myself

by Ben_Solo_Good_Boy_Sweater_Emporium



Category: Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Angst and Feels, F/M, Force Bond (Star Wars), One Shot, One True Pairing, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Romantic Soulmates, Secret Relationship, Soft Ben Solo, Talking, The Force Ships It
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-07-26
Updated: 2020-07-26
Packaged: 2021-03-06 04:21:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/25537255
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Ben_Solo_Good_Boy_Sweater_Emporium/pseuds/Ben_Solo_Good_Boy_Sweater_Emporium
Summary: She reaches up to wrap her hand around his wrist. “I never realized you were such a dreamer, Ben.”He reddens, mildly embarrassed by his own ardor. “It’s your fault. You make me want things. Things I never believed I could have. And now that I can see them, I can’t stop fighting for them. For you.”“Please don’t stop,” she whispers, pressing her forehead to his. “It’s a beautiful dream.”~~~~~Post-TLJ alternative universe. Rey and Ben have an encounter during a battle. Hux is not the FO spy.
Relationships: Rey/Ben Solo | Kylo Ren
Comments: 38
Kudos: 117





	For You I Would Ruin Myself

This day is ruined before it even begins.

Rey is barely dressed when the proximity sensors start blaring. She’s tugging her damp hair into a knot as she sprints toward the mess hall. Everyone should be eating morning meal at this hour, but the room is deserted when she rushes in. Abandoned plates cover the tables, as if each person vanished where they sat.

The Resistance only established a base on this uncharted moon a few days ago. Stacks of supply crates and equipment waiting for permanent homes litter the corridors as she tries to remember which junction will bring her to the nearest hangar bay.

It’s a shame. This cave complex is one of the loveliest places she’s seen. Its stone walls curve and bend and ripple, a riot of color in every direction. But the screaming alarms can mean only one thing. The First Order has discovered them and it’s already time to find a new place to hide.

Why didn’t she know this was coming? Why wasn’t she warned? A tight band of fear constricts her chest, but she ignores it as she slides around a corner that should bring her to the communications center. One of her boots isn’t fully fastened and she skitters through the turn, but then jerks to a stop when she realizes she isn’t at all where she thinks she ought to be. The tunnel is a dead end and Rey is lost.

There’s an explosion in the distance, shaking the walls around her and bringing dust and rubble down on her head. Definitely the First Order, then.

In all the months she’s been living with the Resistance, Rey has learned to insulate herself from the chaos of an entire community’s emotions. She has to in order to function. But right now, as much as she would like to block out the surge of terror and rage that a sneak attack is sure to provoke, she needs to know that her friends are alright. As carefully as she can, she lowers her mental shields to look for Finn and Rose. Poe she is not as close with, but he can usually be found near the other two.

Before she has consciously realized she’s found them, she is tearing back down the tunnel. The explosions are coming more steadily now, rocking the ground under her feet. She passes a series of openings leading to her left, before taking one that twists sharply to the right, away from the worst of the commotion. They’ve learned their lesson since getting trapped on Crait; every base must now have multiple escape routes for people and vessels.

The sound of TIE fighters and laser cannons overhead slices through the stone. It’s oddly reassuring, because it means that some of the ships have managed to get airborne. At least they will have a chance of surviving.

Rey hasn’t been in this part of the caves before. She has a good sense of direction from years of navigating wrecks, but knowing she is moving east isn’t really helpful when she has no idea what she is heading toward. The ground crews haven’t had time to install proper lighting panels in this sector. A handful of ancient fusion lanterns dot the walls every few meters, flickering in time with the blasts.

He’s here, inside the base. She can feel him.

It’s not surprising. He isn’t one to lead from a safe distance. His presence in the Force is nearly overwhelming. And he’s looking for her.

The path she’s following slopes steadily up. In the distance, she can see its end. It’s a narrow opening, brighter beyond than in the tunnel. Rey prays it’s a hangar. As she watches, the air flashes crimson with reflected blaster fire. Not good.

A bizarre scene greets her when she bursts out of the corridor. The space _is_ a small hangar but is currently home to only one partially dismantled troop transport and a single, decrepit A-wing interceptor that probably saw service against the old Empire.

Finn, Rose and Poe are all crouching behind the cockpit module of the transport, removed for repairs and lying next to the hull. But since the damaged section is almost entirely transparasteel, it isn’t offering much in the way of cover. Not that it matters. Finn doesn’t have a blaster, and while Rose and Poe are shooting in the direction of the hangar doors, no one is returning fire.

Rey knows why. Kylo Ren is on the opposite side of the room, batting away blaster bolts as casually as another person might swat a moth. She can taste his annoyance. If the situation weren’t so dire, she would be tempted to laugh. His lightsaber is ignited but he has no interest in fighting a motley group of rebels. His only purpose here is her.

She knows what she has to do. Activating her own saber, she walks quickly out into the hangar, placing herself between her friends and the First Order’s latest Supreme Leader.

“Rey!” Finn screams, while Poe hollers, “Are you nuts?!” She isn’t afraid, but only Rose seems to notice that.

“All of you, get out of here. It’s me he wants.” When none of them move she shouts, “Go!”

Poe and Rose glance at each other and slowly begin to inch toward the tunnel, but Finn charges around the cockpit, determined to fight even if he is armed only with fists. Rey flings out a hand, the Force erupting from her and thrusting him toward the others.

Rose grabs Finn’s arm, refusing to let him stay behind while giving Rey a look of concern. “Are you sure?”

“I’ve got this. Please, get to a ship as fast as you can and get out of here. I’m right behind you, I promise.”

Once the sound of their retreat has died away, Rey turns to the dark figure standing silently in the bay. He hasn’t moved or made any attempt to stop her friends from fleeing, as she knew he wouldn’t. She deactivates her saber.

For a moment, they just stare at one another.

“Are there any security cameras in here?” he asks quietly.

Rey snorts. “We barely had the freshers sorted.”

He extinguishes his own saber then removes his helmet, dropping it to the floor. His eyes are tired. Rey crosses the distance between them in a half-dozen running steps and throws herself against his chest. When he wraps his arms around her, she feels her boots slip up off the floor.

“What the hell is going on, Ben?” she huffs into his shoulder. “Why didn’t you warn me?”

“Hux,” he spits, his Force signature sparking with hatred. “I didn’t have time to send word safely. I told you we should practice connecting through the bond at will.”

“You did,” she admits, pressing her lips against the warm skin of his throat, looking for the steady reassurance of his pulse. “So what happens now?”

“Most of the transports made it out,” he says, lowering her gently to the ground. “Troopers are sweeping the base for stragglers. I’ll do what I can, Rey, but I can’t be seen as incompetent, or too lenient toward any rebels that are captured.”

“I know,” she sighs. They’ve had this conversation before. Too many times.

“But how did he find us so quickly? We just got here!” It’s maddening, the endless game of hide-and-seek they are playing.

“An unexpected tip from one of your newest benefactors. I didn’t get a name. All I know is it’s an Abednedo merchant.”

Rey flinches, sucking in a breath. “No, that can’t be. She’s a relative of one of our pilots. She couldn’t…” But of course, she could. She did. Ben isn’t lying.

“Was this one of her donations?” He nods toward the A-wing. “Maybe that should have been your first clue that she wasn’t trying all that hard to be helpful. This thing belongs in a museum.”

She pulls back, crossing her arms in irritation. “We aren’t really in a position to turn away supporters, not after the First Order obliterated D’Qar and destroyed our fleet.” She isn’t telling him anything he doesn’t already know.

“If the Resistance is in such dire straits that this is the best fleet you can put in the air, you ought to be _more_ careful, not less. Because clearly it will cost the First Order very little effort to snuff you out entirely.”

He’s right and knowing that just makes her angrier. “If it’s so easy then do it, why don’t you, instead of talking us to death!”

He grabs her face suddenly, hauling her close and kissing her roughly. “I don’t give a damn about the Resistance. You know that. You’ve _always_ known that. I am doing all I can to reform the First Order and create a better system of government for the entire galaxy. There are so many more productive ways I could be spending my time than chasing around these Force-forsaken systems trying to keep Hux from murdering your little cabal.”

His ire fades as quickly as it flared. He trails gloved fingers down the curve of her neck, face softening as he implores, “The only reason I am here is to protect you. You know that, too. Come back with me, please.”

Each time he asks it is harder and harder to say no. The bond between them cinches tighter with every stolen moment, every kiss and touch. It hurts to be away from him. “I can’t,” she nearly whimpers, as he snarls in frustration. “I have to help the Resistance. They need me.”

“ _I_ need you. I need your strength and your counsel. I can’t do this alone, Rey. Think of the good we could do, and on a massive scale. Think of the resources I could put at your disposal. Instead of risking your life for cast-off _osik_ like this—" he shoots a scathing look at the fragmented transport, “—you could have real power to effect change in the lives of trillions.”

She reaches up to wrap her hand around his wrist. “I never realized you were such a dreamer, Ben.”

He reddens, mildly embarrassed by his own ardor. “It’s your fault. You make me want things. Things I never believed I could have. And now that I can see them, I can’t stop fighting for them. For you.”

“Please don’t stop,” she whispers, pressing her forehead to his. “It’s a beautiful dream.”

“But it doesn’t have to be a dream,” he insists stubbornly. “Just take my hand and come with me. My shuttle is in the ravine. We’ll return to the _Steadfast_ and I’ll take you anywhere in the galaxy you want to go. We can sleep in the water meadows on Naboo tonight.”

There’s so much hope in his face. He has almost convinced himself that she’ll change her mind this time. She can’t bear to hurt him again. They are forever hurting each other.

“Part of me wants to,” she confesses, pressing a desperate kiss to his palm and wishing she could reach through the protective layers, to touch the flesh-and-blood man underneath. “I do. But I can’t just abandon my friends—your mother. What kind of person would it make me if I turned my back on them?”

The Force darkens around him as visibly as clouds passing over a sun. “A practical one. One who understands when a cause is lost.” He laughs mirthlessly. “Maybe I should listen to my own advice.”

She can feel the bottomless, grasping hunger of the shadows snaking around them, trying always to pull him away from the light that burns between them. The light they make together. “Come back to me,” she pleads, pressing feverish little kisses along the line of his jaw. “Please come back. Be here with me now.”

The sounds of the attack have dropped off, the explosions have ended. Only the occasional howl of a TIE fighter disturbs the quiet of the hangar.

“I could make you come with me,” he mutters. He’s glaring at the ground and his voice is petulant.

“Possibly. You could certainly try. But I know you won’t.”

“And how do you know that?”

“Because you love me,” she says simply. “And I love you. The thought of hurting you tears me to pieces, and I know you feel the same.”

He swallows hard. “I’m also selfish, Rey. And impatient. I’ve wasted too many years of my life as it is.”

“We’ll find a way. I didn’t use to believe that, but I do now. Trust me, Ben. Trust us.” She begs him to understand with her eyes and lips and fingertips.

She feels it when he finally lets go and loses himself in the truth of her touch. But just as quickly, he stiffens and pulls back.

“Can this thing even fly?” he demands, grabbing her hand and pulling her toward the A-wing, eyes on the tunnel beyond.

“It must have been able to recently, if it was flown in.”

“They’re coming. Stay low and get as far away from here as fast as you can, do you understand me? This piece of garbage doesn’t stand a chance against a squadron of TIEs. I could probably bring it down with a well-aimed rock.”

“You might be surprised—” Rey squeaks as he grabs her by the waist, lifting her up onto the flat nose of the ship so she can access the cockpit.

“I’m looking at the only thing that's surprised me for as long as I can remember so…maybe.” He stares at her for the briefest instant, squeezing her legs affectionately. “Hurry. We’re out of time.”

She scrambles across the nose and slides into the cockpit. As she powers up the ship for takeoff and the canopy seals around her, she sees Ben cross the hangar to retrieve his helmet. He glances back at her before locking it into place.

 _I love you_ , she mouths.

He nods once, eyes glassy. _Go._

The last thing she sees when she opens the thrusters and hurtles forward is the red glow of his saber springing to life, as a flood of stormtroopers exit the tunnel.

Once she has reached out through the Force and confirmed that Finn, Rose and Poe are in no danger, and has opened the coded channel through which she will receive her next rendezvous coordinates, only then does Rey allow herself to feel the hollow ache of leaving Ben behind again. After this latest raid, the Resistance has virtually nothing left. She has to speak to General Organa. There _must_ be a better way forward. She can’t accept that the Force would sustain the bond between them for no purpose.

 _Think of the good we could do_ , he had said. _We can sleep in the water meadows of Naboo tonight._

She can see it, clear and sharp as summer sunshine, in her mind.

And now that she can see it, she won’t stop fighting for it.

For him.

**Author's Note:**

> Title is a lyric from Taylor Swift's song, "illicit affairs."


End file.
